In my mind, our mid-twenties is a time best used to 'find' yourself, to make stupid mistakes and brush them off as 'life experience' and a time when it's somewhat acceptable to browse the male market in search of someone worth holding onto. While twenty-something is still incredibly young in the context of a lifetime, when your classmates begin taking that next step, you can't help but wonder if you're underachieving in the subject of romance? Perhaps the only thought scarier to me, as dramatic as it may sound, is the possibility of feeling this way in another 10 years time!
Going around the table, my girlfriends and I began throwing out the classic one-liners that we constantly seem to hear. "You're too fussy" is fired at me all the time, while one friend gets "You always go for the wrong guy", another "Aren't you afraid you'll end up alone" and finally "I know you want to be a young mum, but what if that doesn't happen?" When we listed them all together, it was a powerful little box of ammunition.
When I looked over at my gorgeous, successful and intelligent friends, I wondered whether or not we were the problem? We are, admittedly, quite a confident and intimidating group of women, but were we simply scared by past romances and carrying the burden of previous heartache into possible new relationships? Were we the ones sending out the wrong signals? In my personal opinion, when it comes to love, women tend to be stupid. In fact, I would almost go as far as to say, that in this area of life, men often have the upper hand.
Now, I'm not saying that all women are innocent or all men are the enemy, but I've heard one too many stories (and at times been the star of the tale) about women who ignore the red flags in a relationship in the hope that their gut instincts are a little off target. I learnt the hard way that your instincts are always right, but we just seem to forget that fact because love inhibits our ability to think rationally! And then we get hurt.
So why do women think we can ignore the red flags and still have the happily ever after we so desperately desire? Perhaps in a twisted way, we're attracted to the challenge? When men look at a red flag, they think things like "she's too hard", "too high maintenance", "too much baggage", whereas women look and think "I can be the one to change him"...and so our attempt begins.
I've tried to change an ex's views on a vast array of issues and while it was a slow and tough lesson to learn, I now understand that in most instances, people don't change. If a person lies, cheats or disappoints you once, chances are they'll have no problem doing it again. In fact, women going into a relationship expecting to be able to change someone, I believe are setting themselves up for heartache. Although I thought the movie was terrible, the book He's Just Not That Into You is sheer brilliance. Its honest, it's brutal and it's a dose of reality that so many women, including myself, need to hear from time to time.
I've had girlfriends who have tried to make their partners less racist, more eloquent, ready for a relationship...or a puppy...or marriage...or children...or at times, them! All roads in these cases have led to disappointment and when your friend continues to go back for more, all you can do is sit on the sidelines and in most cases, wait for the fallout with open arms.
I remember asking my parents one day what they believed the key was to their 28 years of marriage? Their answers were simple and consistent- compromise. "You can't go into a relationship expecting to be able to change a person, you have to accept them for who they are and compromise to create a situation you're both comfortable with. That and communication is the key" replied my dad. I knew instantly, his words were wise ones.
When it comes to love, sometimes women are just waiting to hear things like...
...and to know it came from a place of honesty.
And finally, to remain somewhat unbiased, I do often feel sorry for men. How are they supposed to know what women really want, when we can't even answer that questions ourselves!
